Juggling, Guilt And The Never-Ending Battle Between The Two

The constant in my life revolves around when to find time for myself.  Being a working mother, a lot of guilt creeps in.  If I carve out an hour to work-out, read a book or do some exploratory writing on a new project in my spare time, then I’ve missed valuable playtime, cuddles, giggles and splashing baths. But if I don’t take a beat and center myself – feed my creative process – I suffer and am less able to be fully present at home.  

The dilemma is a good problem to have. Lucky me to have both a career that I am passionate about AND a family that gives me the deepest fulfillment imaginable.  Don’t think for a minute I am ever complaining about that.  What I am trying to get at the root of is, what is the reason behind my guilt and how do I eradicate it from my life?

Taking care of my needs first, is the equivalent of what the airlines advise in case of emergency.  Parents are advised to put their oxygen masks on first, BECAUSE how can you put on your child’s if you’ve suffocated and are dead?  It’s a simple analogy but powerful, nevertheless.  Yet, even though I know this, I still put myself through the same head-trip from time to time.  And the thing is I know I’m not alone.

I read an article the other day on the content site About.com – my go to for just about everything these days http://workingmoms.about.com/od/todaysworkingmoms/a/workguilt.htm that said “10 percent of mothers working full-time give themselves the highest rating for their parenting and just 24 percent of mothers working part-time give themselves a 10 as a parent, according to a Pew Research Center survey.”

The article, and several others I devoured, all left me with the same obvious conclusion – working mother’s guilt is universal, and maybe one reason is because women, at least women of my generation, were taught we were somehow supposed to be able to have it all – careers, bear children, rear them, manage a household, and be fulfilled with nary a hair out of place.  Anyone with half a brain knows that’s completely unrealistic.  No one can manage two FT careers at the same time.  Ask any CEO.  That’s why they delegate. Which got me thinking about delegation and why it brings up a whole other level of guilt for me.

I’m one of the fortunate women who have a husband who is willing to be the primary parent.  My amazing husband is (and I admit this freely) better suited at parenting than me.  He’s kind, caring and incredibly patient, plus he’s skilled in math (I have a BFA in modern dance and an MFA in theater – which leaves me ill equipped to tackle even our son’s 2^nd grade math homework – there, I’ve outted myself. I suck at math. It’s just not the way my brain works.), plus he’s also funny and has the most wonderful way with people, which comes in handy when navigating the whole social school scene.

Aside from my kick-ass husband, we have a loving PT nanny, so daddy can attend to his needs – writing, gym, running errands, and hustling our son to his after school classes.  There is a system in place in our house that works. Well.  Our kids are happy, thriving, and seem bonded to me in a way that doesn’t scream neglectful mother.

Then why do I still feel such pangs of guilt? 

Is it gender related?

I read in my late night Internet searches (no guilt taking time for yourself when the whole house is asleep) that habitual guilt is more intense in women than in men.  Studies show women tend to be more empathetic than men, and it appears to be genetic. This isn’t to say men don’t feel guilt; they’re just able to shake it off faster, whereas women can’t.

So where does this leave me in my quest for balance?

Nowhere.

This is my life.  Because of the demands of my job, there will be times I can be at the Spring Sing and times I miss the Halloween Carnival.  Times I choose to work on my craft and times I play with my kids (like tonight rolling a ball back and forth with my daughter before putting her down to bed).  There will be times I miss the sweetness of putting the kids to bed and times I don’t.  I just have to deal with it.

So my long-winded conclusion is, there is no solution.  Our mother’s were wrong.  Women can’t have it all.  If I want to be a good mom and productive and fulfilled at work, I have to accept this…

…without guilt. 

Ending A Friendship With Dignity And Grace

I’ve had boyfriends tell me they were only dating me to try and get to my older sister (crushing).

I’ve had friends tell lies behind my back in 2^nd grade (hurtful and confusing).

I’ve had a beloved teacher con me into believing that he had gotten me into a prestigious summer theater program abroad, only to find out he had absconded with all of my money – ripping me off for thousands of dollars (cruel and inexcusable).

But I have never had a friend “drop me” me.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve had friendships end. Drift away. Outgrow themselves.

It’s only natural as we get older, and the demands on our time get more intricate, that we condense our energy and prioritize.

But this was different. 

There’s a first time for everything, and having this person recently break her year long silence to tell me that yes our friendship was definitely over (something I suspected months ago when emails and phones calls went unreturned) was certainly a first.

Let me preface by explaining that it’s not like this person and I were ever really that close – not like we saw or talked to each other every day or anything like that. Yet even with the recent email admission that what I suspected was true – the friendship was over – I still felt/feel a sense of incompletion.

Is it because I wanted better closure? Because I felt somehow I deserved more respect?

Yup.

I wanted her to have the courage to sit across from me and have an adult conversation about it. If someone wrongs me (or I perceive they’ve wronged me) I confront them. And that’s what I wanted. Honest confrontation, not cowardly ducking.

This is why even after it became obvious she wanted nothing to do with me, I occasionally continued to reach out. I didn't do it because I wanted to be her friend anymore. I wanted an explanation and I wanted it said to my face.

All of this has gotten me thinking about etiquette and what is the proper way to extricate oneself from a friendship that is no longer working/satisfying/a priority.

What I’ve learned is that ignoring the situation doesn’t make it go away and using email to deal with it is even worse than ignoring it. 

If for any reason you are thinking of shedding a friendship my advice is to: 

1.  Evaluate the relationship. If it is no longer working for you for whatever reason…
2. Sit down with the person and tell them how you feel. Do not do this via text or email.
3.  Be prepared for the fallout.
4. When it’s over don't talk shit about the other person or try to force mutual friends to take sides. Be the bigger person. Avoid gossip and move on.

Simple.

Mature.

Advice for an increasingly impersonal world.