Ending A Friendship With Dignity And Grace

I’ve had boyfriends tell me they were only dating me to try and get to my older sister (crushing).

I’ve had friends tell lies behind my back in 2^nd grade (hurtful and confusing).

I’ve had a beloved teacher con me into believing that he had gotten me into a prestigious summer theater program abroad, only to find out he had absconded with all of my money – ripping me off for thousands of dollars (cruel and inexcusable).

But I have never had a friend “drop me” me.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve had friendships end. Drift away. Outgrow themselves.

It’s only natural as we get older, and the demands on our time get more intricate, that we condense our energy and prioritize.

But this was different. 

There’s a first time for everything, and having this person recently break her year long silence to tell me that yes our friendship was definitely over (something I suspected months ago when emails and phones calls went unreturned) was certainly a first.

Let me preface by explaining that it’s not like this person and I were ever really that close – not like we saw or talked to each other every day or anything like that. Yet even with the recent email admission that what I suspected was true – the friendship was over – I still felt/feel a sense of incompletion.

Is it because I wanted better closure? Because I felt somehow I deserved more respect?

Yup.

I wanted her to have the courage to sit across from me and have an adult conversation about it. If someone wrongs me (or I perceive they’ve wronged me) I confront them. And that’s what I wanted. Honest confrontation, not cowardly ducking.

This is why even after it became obvious she wanted nothing to do with me, I occasionally continued to reach out. I didn't do it because I wanted to be her friend anymore. I wanted an explanation and I wanted it said to my face.

All of this has gotten me thinking about etiquette and what is the proper way to extricate oneself from a friendship that is no longer working/satisfying/a priority.

What I’ve learned is that ignoring the situation doesn’t make it go away and using email to deal with it is even worse than ignoring it. 

If for any reason you are thinking of shedding a friendship my advice is to: 

1.  Evaluate the relationship. If it is no longer working for you for whatever reason…
2. Sit down with the person and tell them how you feel. Do not do this via text or email.
3.  Be prepared for the fallout.
4. When it’s over don't talk shit about the other person or try to force mutual friends to take sides. Be the bigger person. Avoid gossip and move on.

Simple.

Mature.

Advice for an increasingly impersonal world.