The dilemma is a good problem to have. Lucky me to have both
a career that I am passionate about AND a family that gives me the deepest
fulfillment imaginable. Don’t think for
a minute I am ever complaining about that.
What I am trying to get at the root of is, what is the reason behind my guilt and how do I eradicate it from
my life?
Taking care of my needs first, is the equivalent of what the
airlines advise in case of emergency.
Parents are advised to put their oxygen masks on first, BECAUSE how can
you put on your child’s if you’ve suffocated and are dead? It’s a simple analogy but powerful,
nevertheless. Yet, even though I know
this, I still put myself through the same head-trip from time to time. And the thing is I know I’m not alone.
I read an article the other day on the content site About.com – my go to for just about everything these days http://workingmoms.about.com/od/todaysworkingmoms/a/workguilt.htm that said “10 percent of mothers working full-time give themselves
the highest rating for their parenting and just 24 percent of mothers working
part-time give themselves a 10 as a parent, according to a Pew Research
Center survey.”
The article, and several others I devoured, all left me with
the same obvious conclusion – working mother’s guilt is universal, and maybe
one reason is because women, at least women of my generation, were taught we were
somehow supposed to be able to have it all – careers, bear children, rear them,
manage a household, and be fulfilled with nary a hair out of place. Anyone with half a brain knows that’s
completely unrealistic. No one can
manage two FT careers at the same time. Ask
any CEO. That’s why they delegate. Which
got me thinking about delegation and why it brings up a whole other
level of guilt for me.
I’m one of the fortunate women who have a husband who is
willing to be the primary parent. My amazing husband is (and I admit this freely) better suited at parenting than me. He’s kind, caring and incredibly patient, plus
he’s skilled in math (I have a BFA in modern dance and an MFA in theater – which
leaves me ill equipped to tackle even our son’s 2nd grade math
homework – there, I’ve outted myself. I suck at math. It’s just not the way my brain works.), plus he’s also funny and has the most
wonderful way with people, which comes in handy when navigating the whole social school scene.
Aside from my kick-ass husband, we have a loving PT nanny, so daddy
can attend to his needs – writing, gym, running errands, and hustling our son to his after school classes. There is a system in place
in our house that works. Well. Our kids are
happy, thriving, and seem bonded to me in a way that doesn’t scream neglectful
mother.
Then why do I still feel such pangs of guilt?
Is it gender related?
I read in my late night Internet searches (no guilt taking
time for yourself when the whole house is asleep) that habitual guilt is more
intense in women than in men. Studies
show women tend to be more empathetic than men, and it appears to be genetic.
This isn’t to say men don’t feel guilt; they’re just able to shake it off
faster, whereas women can’t.
So where does this leave me in my quest for balance?
Nowhere.
This is my life.
Because of the demands of my job, there will be times I can be at the
Spring Sing and times I miss the Halloween Carnival. Times I choose
to work on my craft and times I play with my kids (like
tonight rolling a ball back and forth with my daughter before putting her down to bed). There will be times I miss the sweetness of putting the kids
to bed and times I don’t. I just have to deal with it.
So my long-winded conclusion is, there is no solution. Our mother’s were wrong. Women can’t have it all. If I want to be a good mom and productive and fulfilled at work, I have to accept
this…
…without guilt.
No comments:
Post a Comment